Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.