Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
You Might Also Like
I am crying
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Perfect
I cannot stop laughing at this
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.