DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
You Might Also Like
Friday night party time 🥳
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around