Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me checking my bank balance online.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
all that yoga finally paid off
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Worth a try
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*