kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.