[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
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#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
just make the entire table out of coaster
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
car not found
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm