Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.