Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?