I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
They grow up so quick
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.