Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Lmao
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I need to update my racial profile.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.