My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
You Might Also Like
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG