Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.