Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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He-man has a Masters degree
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
This is painfully accurate 😅
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.