my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
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Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”