My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Chicken bread
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity