VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*