Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*