Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
You Might Also Like
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Somebody call the cops.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel