My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry