DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Need WebMD
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Knock Knock
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Brands during Pride
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong