Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy