Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Weighing up my bread heating options
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!