My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
No way!
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka