Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
S M O L
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance