My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.