Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 馃ゲ
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He鈥檚 hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Have kids they said, it鈥檚 life changing they said, you鈥檒l love it they said…
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Given the American diet, don鈥檛 you think we鈥檇 have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I鈥檓 very secretive
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.