You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me too 😆
There is no “we” in pizza
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”