You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info