Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Mad Max Arctic Road
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no