Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
You Might Also Like
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
channeling her this year
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.