Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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Sell your car
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”