got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.