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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.