I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.