I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
don’t we all
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!