I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Pandas 🐼🖤
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean