3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.