Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today