*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
you stereotypes are all alike
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Milk Cube
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform