My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no