*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
sliding into dms like
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks