This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.