how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!