Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
#winning
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?