god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.