Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Hot Hot Hot
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.