Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
If there鈥檚 a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Haha there鈥檚 a squirrel on the fence and he鈥檚 walking back and forth like he can鈥檛 make up his mind because he鈥檚 on the fence.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: you know what鈥檚 not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I backed my car into my husband鈥檚 car once when we were dating and for 25 years he鈥檚 not parked behind me.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we鈥檒l watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I鈥檓 gonna party like it鈥檚 1199.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 馃槀馃コ
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some cr猫me de tomato a la heinz
Ffs laughed out loud 馃槀
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
ME: I鈥檓 so nervous. It鈥檚 my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I鈥檓 saying is I鈥檝e never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can鈥檛 get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don鈥檛 yell at me. You need a taco.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.