me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February