When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
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Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time