I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.